I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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