can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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