my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
