It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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