take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Randomize
