My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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