i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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