I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
