Did I show you my penis last night?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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