My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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