bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
