Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
