He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
