How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
