her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Randomize
