How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Is Oprah even human
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
