Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
