I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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