Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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