I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
