I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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