Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
