I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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