I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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