I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
