I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
