new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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