Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
