I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
