hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
