My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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