There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Randomize
