My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
