i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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