Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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