Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
