Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize