Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
