I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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