I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
