you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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