It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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