I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize