After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
