please come you make the beer taste better
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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