Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
is wine microwaveable?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
