I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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