I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
