I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
