WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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