would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
