Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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