I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
