You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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