worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
