u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
