I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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