Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
