all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
