cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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