A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
