We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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