when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
