I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
should my penis look like a turkey
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize