Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
This beer is not sobering me up at all
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
