I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i want to swaddle you in tequila
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
