I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
