I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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