Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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